Epi(c)log

Note: I've been experimenting with stream of consciousness posting lately. This is that experiment, taking waaaaaay too far. It's a glimpse into my deeply sleep-deprived mind. Eventually, I will retcon this post into a proper summary, rather than leave it as the overwritten monstrosity it is now.

Also Note: Times in this journal are given using Eastern European Summer Time (EEST), which is eight hours ahead of Central Standard Time used in the the American midwest.

Sunday, June 20th,

7:30 PM, Balcony outside Andrea's apartment.

And so ends a great adventure. I'm sitting on Dre and Carl's deck admiring the weather, while I wait for four AM to roll around so I can climb into a cab. There's a pretty big storm brewing, so the temperature's dropping and the wind is getting strong. Now the rain is starting.

The final days of my vacation have passed more or less without incident. I was hoping for a trip to the museum or perhaps the bazaar, but we're all still exhausted and I've spent too much anyway.

It's well and truly storming now, with large bolts of lightning here and there, some of them awfully close. The door only latches from the inside, so I've got a chair propped against it to keep it from banging open and shut.

I wasn't sure what to expect of Turkey when I first came over here, and a lot of it has surprised me. For example, I think somewhere along the line I started equating the concept of an Islamic country with deserts, third world technology, and rampant crime. From what I've seen so far, some things are different, but by no means is Turkey undeveloped. In fact, we could learn a thing or two from the Turks.

For example, they deliver almost anything, including beer and cigarettes. And when a deliveryman comes to your door, he can run the credit card right then and there; you don't have to give them your credit card number until AFTER they show up with the goods. I wish the chinese restaurants back home could do that!

Wow… That storm is really picking up. I'm glad we stayed in tonight!

Anyway, another thing about this country: the produce. I never truly enjoyed a tomato in my life before coming to this country, but the produce here is so fresh it's like another food altogether.

And then, some of the differences are just weird. Earlier today, for example, I had pizza. With corn. They put corn on their pizza here. Actually tastes alright.

They also have a real thing about smoking. In the US, you get little warning labels on the side of a pack of cigarettes. Here, you get warnings in big bold print that cover half the box, and sometimes a photograph of a dead baby. And on television, no channel may show a character smoking. Its kind of weird when you're watching a movie with all manner of sex and violence, but a little cigarette has to be blurred out.

* * * *
Monday, June 21st


12:30 AM, Andrea's living room

It's half past midnight now, and we just finished another Dr Who marathon and started Bored to Death. One of the characters pulled out a join, and it was covered with a rotating flower. A green one.

Ironic. Cover a green plant with a green plant.

* * * *

3:00 AM, Streets of Ankara

A little after one, we went out for a walk, primarily I could get cab fare from the ATM. We kept walking a little ways after that to get some coffee.

I haven't really explained this yet, but the Turkish are very serious about their coffee. For instance, although we found no less than three all-night coffee shops in about as many city blocks, we were under dressed for two of them.

When we did finally stop, I had my last Turkish meal. I had been meaning to order lamb all month, and here I finally had it, cut in a kabob fashion and served on top of a flat pita with tomato, onion, and rice; it was accompanied by a Lentil soup. Altogether, it was a good last meal. After we finished, I ordered some Turkish coffee. Turkish coffee is an interesting beverage. It is served in a cup the size of a shot glass, like espresso, but with a much greater caffeine content. The grounds are left in the drink, giving it an extraordinarily thick texture. As you near the bottom of the cup, that consistency grows until your drinking more grounds than liquid, so you have to get a feel for when to stop drinking or it feels like drinking sand.

Oddly enough, I really liked Turkish coffee.

Well, it's now ten after three in the morning. Despite the generous caffeine boost, I'm feeling sleepy already, and I've still got a good twenty four hours before I can go to sleep.

* * * *

6:30 AM, en route to Munich Airport

Throughout this trip, I have not once boarded a plain that lacked a screaming child. Not one single plane.

* * * *

9:05 AM, runway in Munich

We've landed. Everyone in the plane hurriedly climbs out of their chairs so they can wait in a big thick line to get their bags and depart the plane. I've done this a few times over by now, so I know there's no point in getting in that line. I'm going to sit right here in this chair and play with my laptop until I have a clear route to the exit. The bus to the terminal won't leave until we're all on board anyway, so why rush?


* * * *


9:47 AM, Munich Airport

Score. I found a power outlet in an out-of-the-way sort of spot, and I actually have the necessary converter. My battery was getting low and may take a while to charge, but I've got lots of time to kill, and I've already been thoroughly disappointed by the prices at the Duty Free.

Duty Free isn't really all that cheap, liquor-wise. I did stare longingly at 20 euro liter of Jameson's before I gave in to the fact that I was trying to drink fine whiskey on a tap water budget.

My flight leaves at eleven fifty local time, which is one hour behind, so I've got almost exactly three hours to fritter away. I could poke around online, but that costs eight euro per hour and I'm just not willing to drop ten bucks to check my email.

This flight will be long, but I'm feeling rather amped at the moment. I've got enough lyra on hand to hook myself up with some caffeine, and with a fully charged laptop I can kill at least half the air time storming Kefka's tower. Toss in a couple of watchable movies and I'll be back in my native land before I know it.

It should take a little less than forty minutes to charge my laptop from here, and then perhaps I'll just wander Munich airport for a little while. This place is huge, and there's lots of window shopping to be had. I've no intention of paying airport prices when my bag is already laden with (more reasonably priced) knick knacks picked up over the past month, but with nothing better to do I may as well browse.


* * * *


10:15 AM, Munich Airport

The good news is that I managed to kill fifteen minutes cleaning the dirt out from under my fingernails. The bad news is that while setting my laptop down to do so, I knocked the power cord loose. It'll be another 30 minutes…


* * * *


10:30 AM, Munich Airport


OWWWWW!!! My leg's asleep! Pins and needles! Pins and needles!


* * * *

12:00 PM, Munich Airport, United Airlines terminal, Gate H 43

My plane departs in just under an hour. When I get to Chicago, I will have been awake for more than thirty-two consecutive hours. I will also have approximately two hours to go through customs, get my checked luggage from the O'Hare baggage claim, see it through customs, recheck it, and then get myself out of the international terminal, into the terminal my connecting flight leaves from (this may require a bus ride) and through security one more time before my plane leaves. Oh, and my boarding pass doesn't tell me what terminal or gate I want to be heading for, and none of the United Airlines staff can either, until I get to Chicago.

My last trip through this airport I only had to walk a few feet to get to my gate. They also checked my luggage all the way through to my destination. In retrospect, if I'd had these troubles on my way in, I might have some clue where I was going and who I need to talk to this time around. This ought to be fun…


* * * *


1:15 PM, On the tarmac in Chicago, waiting to take off


Jubilations! My sleep-deprived brain has apparently botched a little math. I have nearly three hours to navigate O'Hare, generously boosting my chances of success! And the good news doesn't stop there, because my seat has been upgraded again! Economy plus seat, with plenty of leg room, and an aisle seat just 19 rows from the plane's forward exit, which will help me to get off the plane and into customs all the quicker. Especially because the 18 rows in front of me are mostly the sparsely-populated First Class seats.

To make things even better, the in-flight movie selection is very promising! See, just the other day, I was commenting to Andrea that I've never seen a Marilyn Monroe movie. Wouldn't you know it, Some Like it Hot is playing on this flight! Other selections range from might-be-decent to great-but-I've-already-seen-it, so if Alice in Wonderland and Edge of Darkness don't entertain me, I can always switch to Wall-E or How to Train your Dragon halfway through.


* * * *

4:37 PM, 36,000 feet above the Atlantic

Six hours until we land Chicago

So during takeoff, it became apparent that the little screen on the chair in front of me is a filthy liar. We won't be landing with three hours to spare, I'll be landing with less than two.

I forgive the dishonest device, however, because of how very much I'm enjoying the in-flight entertainment. If you've never seen Some Like it Hot, I recommend it. I finally get what everybody saw in Marilyn Monroe. And by "everybody," I mean you, Dre.

The good news is that the entire messy procedure of going through customs, getting my checked luggage, putting it back through customs, etc etc is going to be fairly simple. It's all pretty much in one straight line. I was hoping that would be the case, because I still may have to catch a bus from the international terminal, and I don't know how long that will take.

In the meantime, the channel with Edge of Darkness keeps having sound issues and I don't feel like watching Book of Eli (because you already know how it's going to end when God is one of the principal characters) so I guess I'm going to give Alice in Wonderland a chance to impress me. From the trailers, the movie struck me as pretentious self-indulgence on the part of Tim Burton, but if worst comes to worst I can always divert to Wall-E. I like Wall-E.

Unfortunately, the headphones they gave weren't working. I asked for a second pair, but then those snapped off right in the headphone jack. I worked the plug out of the jack, but I'm not about to ask for a third pair, so I guess I'm stuck with my own ear buds. Damn things chafe my ears…


* * * *

5:11 PM, 36,000 feet above the Atlantic

Meh. The effects are nifty and the acting is good enough not to distract, but so far the flick's just been a series of set pieces that pretty much jump up and shout "Hey! Look at us! We're being surreal and obscure! How awesome is that!?"

Also, Johnny Depp's Mad Hatter seems completely indistinguishable from Johnny Depp's Captain Jack Sparrow.


* * * *

6:27 PM, 36,000 feet above the southern tip of Greenland.

HA! Thought I was gonna say "above the Atlantic" again, didn't you!? I'll bet it didn't occur to you that the plane would climb latitudinally to shorten the longitudinal distance needed to cross the ocean, did it?

We're at the northernmost apex of our flight, which means we're just barely strafing along the shores of Greenland at its southernmost tip. We'll be back out over the Atlantic in a few more minutes.

Alice actually wasn't all that bad. Hardly great, and it certainly didn't obtain all the fruits it reached for, but it's entertaining enough, if you're literally strapped to a chair and have nothing else to watch.

It'll be a half hour or so before the movies cycle back around again, at which point I may or may not watch Book of Eli. There's just a little more than four hours left in the flight, and so far it really hasn't been so bad. The stewardess was kind enough to give me a free bottle of wine, the first half of the flight passed quickly, there's still three movies on tap here that I haven't seen yet (plus two good ones I've not seen in a bit) and my laptop has plenty of juice left.

Heh. The little tike next to me is utterly fascinated with my SNES emulator.

Whelp, movies are cycling again, guess I'll give book of Eli a chance.


* * * *

7:15 PM, 36,000 feet above the Atlantic (again)

It's basically Fallout the Movie.


* * * *

7:46 PM, 36,000 feet above Northeastern Canada

Remember that bit in Boondock Saints where they kind of made it look like God might be personally keeping the main characters alive? How it was kind of left open whether they were just really really lucky or there was some actual divine intervention going on?

Book of Eli doesn't leave it open like that. Takes a lot of the suspense out of the fight scenes.

Anyway, We're almost back over US soil. At this point, I've got just a little under three hours to go on this flight. I'm still feeling pretty awake, all things considered. Chicago's my last stop before Kansas City, and the connecting flight is only a little longer than an hour. Should be a breeze, as long as I can make it through Chicago International in time to catch the plane.


* * * *

833 PM, way up high over somewhere

BOOOOO!!! It was a King James version the whole time!!!!


* * * *

10:08 PM, skies over Michigan

Did you know that 10L08 is the time of day when the most little bars are lit up on a digital clock?

I've got a less than an hour before we land. The stewardesses just served us a snack of chips and candybars. I wasn't terribly hungry, but seeing as I haven't slept in more than thirty hours and I'm about to run the hundred yard sprint through Chicago International, I figured I could use the sugar rush. I also had like my fifth cup of coffee to go with it.

My flight out of Chicago boards in two and a half hours. If I can make it that far without passing out, I'm home free…

We'll be landing in 20 minutes. Time to turn this computer off and get ready to move. Hopefully, this'll all be a lot easier than I've been making it sound.

* * * *

12:23 AM , O'Hare Airport, Domestic Terminal

Getting through customs was an ordeal. The line alone took at least half an hour. And when I get to the very end, a woman actually cut in front of me. She walked up from outside the line, not-so-surreptitiously looked around, and then just ducked under the rope.

"Did you just duck under that rope?"

"Yes I did." She looks up at me all serious, like she's daring me to say something else. So I do.

"Wiiiiiiiithout waiting in line like the rest of us?" I ask, cocking an eyebrow. At this point, she backed off a little bit. "I-I'm just trying to get back to my party." At this, I give her my biggest, friendliest smile.

"Oh, well don't let me get in your way," I insist, as I shoulder my way past her so she can get behind me and look for her friends

She waited until I was through the queue before she continued to just move with the line. I could have said something else, but hey, she didn't get to cut in front of me, so it's no skin off my back.

A couple of forms and official-sounding questions later, I retrieved my checked luggage, rechecked it (which turned out to only involve tossing it in a pile with everyone else's luggage) and went through the second customs counter and into the airport. I hopped a train to my terminal, and arrived twenty minutes before boarding was scheduled to begin. Piece of cake.


* * * *


1:07 AM, On the tarmac in O'Hare

Ha ha! I got upgraded to Economy Plus again! My last 90 minutes will be spent in style!

I've spent the last half hour proofreading this massive stream of consciousness, but given that it's been nearly forty hours since I've slept, I'm not sure how thorough I'm being.

The overhead bins are absolutely packed and I had to squeeze the bag a bit, I hope none of my shinies get damaged.


* * * *


1:38 AM, En route to Kansas City

One hour, twenty-three minutes before I land back in my old hometown. That's much shorter than the last two plane-rides I took. And yet there's still going to be an inflight movie! That's kinda cool.

This is the part of the trip where I should get all pensive and reflect on my journey thus far, but frankly I'm just too fried to be philosophical.

For all that I'm going to miss Carl, Andrea, their country and their cats, the only thing on my mind right now is climbing into bed and passing out. It's been a very long day.

The "in-flight movie," so far, has been a bunch of advertisements. Also, it appears that one of the radio stations tunes me in to the conversation between the cockpit and the tower. We're heading 250 knots, apparently. Actually, it seems to be the tower in general.

Oh, the video is going to be 30 Rock. I've never actually seen that show.

OK, that show is weird…

And they actually just made a 4th wall-breaking joke about people on an airplane being forced to watch bad CBS sitcoms. That seems pretty obscure.


* * * *

2:10 AM, in the sky

This is one of the strangest airplane rides I've ever been on. First, as the train drove around the runway, water vapor was being vented in from the celing. Then they have in-flight video on a one-hour flight. And now, they've passed around a complimentary tin of Altoids.

A complimentary tin of Altoids with a cellophane wrapping that is extremely thick, and nearly impossible to cut through.

And the mints inside are cube shaped.

And now I'm watching some kind of terribly obscure educational video on how fireworks function.


* * * *


5:06 AM, My home in Kansas City

You know what, it feels good to be home. Familiar house, familiar bed, cats that don't claw the shit out of me…

Even just riding up the drive to my house felt good.

I've showered, I've eaten (I couldn't get mom not to cook for me), and I've checked my messages. I've also pulled out some of the more fragile goodies I brought home to make sure nothing was damaged. Pretty soon, I'm going to pass out and hopefully not wake up for a long, long time.

So yeah, that's it. The End. Finito. Ben's Turkish adventure has come and gone. And what an adventure it was. I ate exotic foods, saw crazy places, did amazing things. And I lost twenty pounds!

This has been a singularly unique adventure, the kind you're lucky to have even just once in a lifetime. But really, it's only encouraged me to work hard, so I can have many more like it in the future.

If there's one note that I'd end this whole thing on, it's this: Just fucking do it. Whatever it is that you've always wanted to do but didn't do, or put off doing, because it just wasn't sensible. Don't wait until the right time. Don't tell yourself you'll do it one of these days. Just go and do it.

Because even if it leaves you penniless and destitute, man, you'll have some great stories.

-BS